Ebbs and flows

Ebbs and flows – that just about sums it up.  One moment I’m feeling relatively normal and almost confident that I will get through this excruciatingly painful period.  The next moment, I am floored by how much I miss him.   So far today, I am missing him so badly that the only thing stopping me from phoning/texting/emailing him is knowing that any contact wouldn’t help; it would only send me spiralling downwards into the dark hole of despair.

I read these words today……

…. “If we are unhappy without a relationship, we’ll probably be unhappy with one as well.  A relationship doesn’t begin our life; a relationship doesn’t become our life.  A relationship is a continuation of life.”  [Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie]



So I am on day 10 of a horribly painful separation from my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend, my soulmate (as cliched as that sounds).  I’m on day 2 of the prohibition on all communication whatsoever.  And yes, I’m counting the days.

This is the third extremely agonising break-up I’ve endured during my 30 (plus a few) years on this planet.  Surely I’ve had my fair share by now?  But I don’t want to go down that path of bemoaning the past and telling myself “here I go again”.  Each relationship is unique in itself with different lessons to learn.  And I’m certainly a changed person since my previous heartbreak 7 years ago.

The rationale behind writing this blog is partly selfish – I am hoping it may be cathartic (although no agenda, right?!) – and partly altruistic – if this helps anyone in the world in just a teeny tiny bit, that would be marvellous……

It is mind-boggling how many emotions I go through each day, and how many story-lines play through my head.  I surprise myself on the odd occasion that I manage to avoid getting too involved in the swirling mass of fears, judgements, criticisms, personal rebukes, self-doubts and nihilism.  Other times, that seems impossible.  Or maybe I need to “try harder” with all that yoga and meditation which surely “should” make me immune to stuff like this?!